You showed up in my mind
This morning
I don’t talk about you much
And I’m sorry about that
I remember the cluster fucks of
Emotions and conflicting ideas
Around that time
Church camp, 1996
Being the son of a mason
Maybe you were too
I don’t remember
But I do remember your eyes
They made me feel things
Jesus hadn’t explained to me yet
Then you went and touched my arm
While we swam in the lake
You screwed up my whole fucking existence
I think I forgot how to swim
When you touched my stomach
And then made me question the air I was breathing
Doubting and drowning
I’d probably be okay with you giving me CPR
Slowing down my heart which was marching
To its own beat of the mixtape you snuck in
The water was so cold
But the goosebumps on my body
Already had your name
Etched in each and every one of them
With my little red pocket knife
Derek
When your lips connected with mine
So quickly that watching eyes couldn’t see
My world went blank
You laughed at my reaction
As you reached out
Putting your fingers in between mine
Under the water where only the fish
Could keep our secrets
I know my soul was blushing
I could feel the heat from the sun
Cooling my face off
That night we met alone while dozens of
eyes collecting sand shut
I remember standing in front of you
Pure and bare as the day I was born
You made me feel like when you find something shiny in the dirt
Surprised and happy yet curious
We used our bodies to explain to each other
What was going on the inside of our little hearts and little minds
It would be years before we could explain it all
But it did happen to us.
For us.
You were my first.
And I’m sorry for all the times I lied.
I feared a guy who walked on water for most of my young life
I thought he would extinguish my flame
With that same holy water
That was sprinkled on babies every Sunday
Then I feared giving people another reason to hurt me.
I wish I wasn’t scared. But I’m working on that part.
After summer camp ended
I remember panicking and going home
Ripping up your number and flushing it down the toilet
So, I wouldn’t tape it back together again
Then I went to bible study.
I cried in the bathroom later that night
Wishing the toilet would back up
And send those glorious ten digits back to me
I missed how you made me feel like
I was swimming with electric eels
I almost ran through the backyard
With a butter knife during a lighting storm to feel closer to you
The next year when I returned to camp
I can now honestly say that I hoped you would have appeared from
Behind the sea of other campers getting off the bus
But you didn’t
I remember the wells of my eyes
Feeling Filled up and choked up
I swallowed you down into
The pit of my stomach
Where you stayed for many years
I’ve been through many things
Both good and bad
It’s okay because you will always be
A passenger in my heart
With a past of many hands that have hurt, abused, and betrayed me
Your hands loved me first
You never questioned the bruises
I remember you kissed one on my back
Where my wings fell off
Thank you for letting me feel flight
Once again
Before gravity took control
Even right now with tears in my eyes
While reading this
My goosebumps have returned
And I still see
just your name.
Derek.
