Happy holidays!
Remember these days are all the same. Don’t let the hype and hoopla get you riled up and don’t let it take you out of your element. Today is just like yesterday and the day before that. The sun will rise and fall. And you will wake again.
You showed up in my mind
This morning
I don’t talk about you much
And I’m sorry about that
I remember the cluster fucks of
Emotions and conflicting ideas
Around that time
Church camp, 1996
Being the son of a mason
Maybe you were too
I don’t remember
But I do remember your eyes
They made me feel things
Jesus hadn’t explained to me yet
Then you went and touched my arm
While we swam in the lake
You screwed up my whole fucking existence
I think I forgot how to swim
When you touched my stomach
And then made me question the air I was breathing
Doubting and drowning
I’d probably be okay with you giving me CPR
Slowing down my heart which was marching
To its own beat of the mixtape you snuck in
The water was so cold
But the goosebumps on my body
Already had your name
Etched in each and every one of them
With my little red pocket knife
Derek
When your lips connected with mine
So quickly that watching eyes couldn’t see
My world went blank
You laughed at my reaction
As you reached out
Putting your fingers in between mine
Under the water where only the fish
Could keep our secrets
I know my soul was blushing
I could feel the heat from the sun
Cooling my face off
That night we met alone while dozens of
eyes collecting sand shut
I remember standing in front of you
Pure and bare as the day I was born
You made me feel like when you find something shiny in the dirt
Surprised and happy yet curious
We used our bodies to explain to each other
What was going on the inside of our little hearts and little minds
It would be years before we could explain it all
But it did happen to us.
For us.
You were my first.
And I’m sorry for all the times I lied.
I feared a guy who walked on water for most of my young life
I thought he would extinguish my flame
With that same holy water
That was sprinkled on babies every Sunday
Then I feared giving people another reason to hurt me.
I wish I wasn’t scared. But I’m working on that part.
After summer camp ended
I remember panicking and going home
Ripping up your number and flushing it down the toilet
So, I wouldn’t tape it back together again
Then I went to bible study.
I cried in the bathroom later that night
Wishing the toilet would back up
And send those glorious ten digits back to me
I missed how you made me feel like
I was swimming with electric eels
I almost ran through the backyard
With a butter knife during a lighting storm to feel closer to you
The next year when I returned to camp
I can now honestly say that I hoped you would have appeared from
Behind the sea of other campers getting off the bus
But you didn’t
I remember the wells of my eyes
Feeling Filled up and choked up
I swallowed you down into
The pit of my stomach
Where you stayed for many years
I’ve been through many things
Both good and bad
It’s okay because you will always be
A passenger in my heart
With a past of many hands that have hurt, abused, and betrayed me
Your hands loved me first
You never questioned the bruises
I remember you kissed one on my back
Where my wings fell off
Thank you for letting me feel flight
Once again
Before gravity took control
Even right now with tears in my eyes
While reading this
My goosebumps have returned
And I still see
just your name.
Derek.
Sometimes we can feel it
Behind us
Remnants of our previous selves.
The one that was scared or angry
Sends the hairs on your skin upright
I close my eyes and breathe
As if to say I’m sorry
But I am good and stronger
Than ever.
-Sincerely, Benny
To Whom This Concerns,
Yes. They will show you who they are so all you have to do is pay attention with your two little beautiful eyeballs.
Pay attention.
In the beginning, we are all at our best behavior or most commonly known as the “Honeymoon Period”. But after the allure of the new relationship begins to wear off, and our true colors start to show. The Honeymoon Period can’t last forever and is tiring. We are trying to be the best version of ourselves that we think the other person wants to see while dealing the dopamine and lust high of the situation. But this does end and we show our true selves. You will see who they really are.
Believe them! They will show you over and over again. Don’t second guess it. This is who they are and most people fight change especially personal change. We all know those people that have been in long term relationships with those that they should have let go of in week one. Now they have been dating for a year and they are miserable.
Life is too short to let these people waste so much of our time. Let this be a gift to you. You are seeing things wrong before you invest time, money and mental resources into a relationship that was doomed from the start. You are dodging a bullet. Be grateful. Worst thing you can do is get emotional about it. Emotions are one of the ways we react to things right? When we are deep in our feelings, we make poor decisions. We say things like “Oh this relationship was bad, I’m just not going to trust anyone and I’ll die alone” or “Everyone thinks I’m ugly. I’m stupid for trusting anyone.” Both are not based in facts and purely on feelings.
We need to self advocate for ourselves in the beginning of relationships and search for signs which can be difficult because we become intoxicated by lust and attention. We must go in with realistic boundaries for ourselves as well as the parties involved or someone will be hurt when things don’t work out.
Sincerely, Benny
Tree (Metaphor #1)
Now I love metaphors as you will see. Just you wait.
So we are a tree. The main part, the trunk of the tree.
We meet people in our lives and they fill into one of four roles:
Root, branch, leaf or apple.
Roots are our real friends that lift us up and want to and help us thrive. They provide a stable foundation and support of the tree to grow and move on.
Branches are supportive acquaintances that maybe don’t have enough time or energy to be a root. They help you occasionally reach towards your potential but can snap and fall off.
Leaves are people that are meant to teach us or give us something that we need for the moment and then fall off and disappear. They are there for a specific purpose and that’s it. It is easy for them to outgrow their usefulness and become toxic and harmful to you. Example: After I had the falling out with my family, I felt alone and lost. I met someone through playing video games and they gave me the companionship I needed to get through hard times but I relied on they too much. I ended up keeping them around over 5 years knowing that something was wrong but I didn’t want to be alone. They were abusive, passive aggressive, narcissistic and loved to guilt trip. They hated me being in other relationships and would try to sabotage them for their gain. Immediately after I removed this person from my life, my mental health and outlook on life improved tremendously.
Apples are what I call “surface friends”. They can seem supportive and nutritious from the outside which they are majority of the time but sometimes their insides they can be full of worms that can really hurt the tree. These are people that will support you when you need help but can’t deal with you having more then them. Their insecurities don’t allow them to stay in your shadow for long. They will allows have a better story or do something better than you. Anytime something good happens for you, inside they see it as they aren’t good enough.
ANd Here we Go…..
So, this story has a lot that, I am not going to get into right this moment but it’s safe to say my story has a beginning, a middle and an end. Not to say that the end is the end. Maybe it is just a big chapter or there is a sequel.
I was a happy as young kid who bounced back quickly from things. Art was fun early on. This picture was from the first grade. I still have the box of crayons from that year. I remember loving to color and being super focused on trying to color inside the lines. This is funny because now I just focus on cutting the lines in Photoshop.
Elementary school art classes were fun and pushed us to use our imagination. Where middle school art class used art to segregate us. Some kids were good at drawing with pastels while others weren’t. I sat next to a kid, Matthew who was amazing at drawing. I disliked him for his talent because of how the teacher treated him better then us. That is not what art should be about. I remember crying at night after having a drawing criticized by a teacher in front of the whole class. I got put down for TRYING. Art does belong in school but should not be graded or criticized like this especially at such a young age.
What about you? What is your earliest memories of creating art? Share in the comments.
Introduction
Entry #1. Welcome everyone! I am Benny which you probably already know. Silly me!
This blog will be to update you on my artistic and personal journey. Early on, we will look back at to what got me to this present time. I believe in transparency and honesty in the process. Too many times, we think people just have an easy path and that nothing goes wrong for them. When really, it can’t be farther from the truth. A lot went wrong for me but I had a lot of great friends and support to help me along the way. I am happy that you are here.
Thank you!
~Benny